I feel stuck in my life. I haven't left my room in a few days and it's
catching up with me.
What am I feeling. What is it that I want to say? Mostly, over the past couple of weeks,
more than feeling dissapointed or angry, I feel alone. I feel this sort of disconnect
from the world around me; an unpenetrable, invisible wall separating my world from the world
others. I feel a sense of alienation. A sort of lack of belonging or permanence. I can go days
without talking to anyone and I feel unable to communicate my inner world with the outside
world.
Isn't it funny how ephemeral life really is? Absurd almost! And yet certainly depressing.
Life... just goes. Continues. Whether I like it or not. People meet and hang out,
plants grow and wither away, the wind passes and the river flows. Summer break
ends in three weeks. It started just now! Nothing feels permanent, set in stone,
certain, or predictable, and this gives me anxiety.
Perhaps that is what I feel. The ephemeral nature of life distresses me. I don't feel
my actions matter. What I do, and intend to do, is just a drop in the ocean, a meaningless
scream into the void, the last gasp of air of a dying animal in the wild. It all feels
in vain. Then I cook for my family, it is just a memory the day after, an afterthough a week later.
Things simply don't feel... long-lasting. Put another way, it's as if what I do
is utterly meaningless. Meaningless not in a metaphysical, absurd way, but a way,
which is almost alienating to me.
No matter what I do, for better or for worse, every action I make doesn't matter.
Because of this I don't feel a sense of belonging; I feel alienated from the world
and the people around me. When walking down the street, nothing would change if I wasn't
there. At a function, people would be equally socializing no matter my presence.
If I don't sit in that chair in class, someone else will. I don't have ownership over
my life, and it depresses me. Who has? I don't know.